please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
