If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
