My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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