My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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