meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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