I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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