My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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