let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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