dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
