I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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