I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
