Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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