shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
