I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
