we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
sex in a hospital.. check
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
