im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
