im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
