And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
