Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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