I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
