Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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