I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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