you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
