Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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