I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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