thus making me awesome and them whores
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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