You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
