I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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