Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
