Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
