seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish i was in the wii world.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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