He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
