But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
