before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
