Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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