got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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