I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
