someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
