I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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