I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
