I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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