Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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