In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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