Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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