so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
