I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
