this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
