apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
