The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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