Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
